ZOMBIE WHISPERER

“When good people die and are reanimated into soulless brain eaters, there’s only one man who’s their best friend, and that’s Tony Mallone.”

You’ve heard of horse whisperers, dog whisperers, and I’m sure even a few others I haven’t heard of myself.  I once even consulted a snake whisperer, after some unruly behavior from a rather large pet snake I once owned.  Yes, and even I thought that was bizarre—just as you are, no doubt, thinking the same thing.  However, one thing I’m sure you’ve yet to hear about is a zombie whisperer.  Yes, you read that right—a zombie whisperer!  Possibly, in this case, stranger things have indeed not happened before.

Zombie Whisperer is a new reality-TV web series starring Matt Fowler as Tony Mallone—the tough but calm, streetwise soother of the restless undead.  Yes, if a brain-eating member of your family ever causes a problem (as if that wouldn’t happen), there’s no other man for the job.  Making your dangerous dead once again docile and domestic is just a call away.  No zombie is too undead for Tony!  I don’t know his number off hand; I misplaced in somewhere in all the excitement.  However, one thing’s for sure—it’s not a 555 number.  Tony Mollone plays his part for real!  I started to call this a mock-reality TV show, but, with all the zombie sightings lately who knows?

Episode 1 of Zombie Whisperer begins with a viewer warning: “Do not attempt the techniques you are about to see without consultin’ a professional!”  (Yes, the “g” in consulting is also ellipted in the text, exactly as the southern-accented narrator says it.)  After the show’s opening montage, Tony Mallone is introduced as “world-renowned expert and original creator of PETZ” (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies).  Tony then approaches the front door of his next zombie owner in distress—Tammy (Lacy Hornick).  Tammy is a giddy, 20ish woman seemingly more enamored with meeting Tony than she is disturbed by her zombie problem.  However, in true professional form, Tony wants to “get right to it”—right to solving the zombie problem that is.  Bob (Kyle Duncan Graham) is Tammy’s pet zombie she found digging through her garbage one day, before taking him in as her pet.  Tammy has “a soft spot for zombies.”  Bob has since become “out of control”, causing, you guessed it, the need for Tony Mallone!  “You must become what you hope to control,” says Tony.

Speaking of the “zombie-digging through the garbage” detail, this is nice touch you may feel as well.  Some zombies it seems, except for the wild ones, have become domesticated like dogs, incapable of living on their own.  Instead of being self-sufficient brain eaters, they forage for food, also living off the refuse of people rather than the brains of the people themselves.  In the event that some domestic types regress to their stereotypic habits, again Tony Mallone is only a phone call away.  Tony can, no doubt, tame a completely wild zombie as well.  Yes, I have no doubt.

Although I care little for reality TV, I have a great love for mock-reality TV!  I guess you could say that I really love seeing something I don’t care much for mocked to the point of being humorous.  At least it then becomes useful for something.  The Zombie Whisperer is just the type of mock-reality TV that I love.  Everyone plays the part as seriously as you’d expect such a thing to be done in real life.  Out of control zombies would have their ironic share of humor anyway—once the novelty of it all wore off.  Yes, I think even household zombie problems might become old hat and halfway ignored soon enough.  “My zombie’s been acting up.  I may need to call a zombie whisperer next week.”  You know how people are.   So, as a humorous but true social statement (yes, there is some intelligent stuff here), Zombie Whisperer tells its story to make us think, while making us laugh at the same time.  However, since brains are always in short supply around zombies, you won’t have to think too much.

I’ve seen Matt Fowler in a number of other roles, and he always makes himself the character he plays 100%.  In Trespasser (also featured and reviewed on Space Jockey Reviews), Matt plays a psyco killer with all the eerie lack of emotion you’d expect to see.  Without a word said, he develops a potential “cardboard” presence into a memorable character, all in under five minutes!  In Zombie Whisperer, Matt does the same knock out job.  As Tony Mallone, and in true zombie-whispering form, he makes his larger than life character believable, in an unbelievable situation.  Matt plays it straight, serious, never-cracking a smile, even when lesser zombie whisperers might fall apart.  (Yes, you can tell I’m having fun with this.)  Yes, it takes a certain type of talent to pull off such a part, and Matt pulls it off without the need for a double tap…or double take, I should say!  (For the meaning of double-tapping, see the “Galactic Glossary” here on Space Jockey Reviews.)

Lacy Hornick (as Tammy) gets my award for the short film actress most qualified for a job on Saturday Night Live.  Lacy (who I have not seen previously) is an actress I’d really like to see again.  As I said, she does just the perfect sort of exaggerated, faux-serious character acting that helps make this episode of Zombie Whisperer work so well.  Playing this part too seriously wouldn’t have worked as well, but Lacy nails it, just as it’s needed.  Again, I will look for Lacy in the future; with such performances, I’m sure she’ll show up often.

What can I say about Kyle Duncan Graham as Bob the zombie?  Is he just another token, undead corpse in a very alive web series episode?  NO!  (Notice that I capitalized the “N” and the “O” in that answer.”)  In a series like Zombie Whisperer, a standout performance as a zombie is key.  Without a good zombie, such a show could fall flat.  No fear here!  Kyle (as Bob) is a zombie to remember, in as much as zombies can be remembered.  His zombie growls are as authentic as any I’ve heard; when he reaches out for you with those bloody, undead zombie hands, he means it!  Get out of the way, and cover your skullcap!  Yes, it would be easy for zombies to be forgotten altogether in such reviews; it happens all the time.  How often do zombies get credit where it’s due for their undead talents?  Rarely ever!  But here, in this review, Kyle Duncan Graham as Bob gets a special place to be remembered.  After all, zombies were once people too.

What is the zombie’s problem? How does the amazing Tony Mallone solve the problem?  Does anyone get killed in the process?  What is Tony Mallone’s “groundbreaking technique”?  Is Tammy a happy, satisfied customer in the end, who will recommend Tony to all her friends?  What happens to Bob the zombie?  Those are all really good questions; but, if I answered all of that, you wouldn’t have to watch Zombie Whisperer, would you?  No, you wouldn’t.  And I’d be the last to cause any zombie-loving watcher of such zombie shows to find cause to skip this one.  So, make sure to catch Zombie Whisperer on www.funnyordie.com.  Funny or Die a website that allows viewers to watch a feature show and then vote it “funny” or “die” (as in, I suppose, dying a very unfunny death.)  I am happy to report that I voted “funny” for The Zombie Whisperer.  After all, I guess it’s only appropriate that a zombie show doesn’t die.  That just wouldn’t be right!

The Zombie Whisperer is a new and (as you can already tell) very original web series.  It’s created by Matt Fowler and Kelsey Boutte and also directed by Matt Fowler.  Makeup and special effects are also done by Kelsey Boutte.  Without the need to mention it (although I will anyway), Matt Fowler and Kelsey Boutte have created a series that truly stands out in the lineup of other shows I’ve seen.  It gets my highest recommendations!

I actually liked Zombie Whisperer so much that I plan to feature episodes right here on Space Jockey Reviews.  New episodes will be posted when available.  However, you’re in luck!  The first episode I’ve reviewed here is posted below!  Tony Mallone himself (Matt Fowler, of course) informed me that the second episode (and possibly the third) will be filmed in the first week of September and available to the public by the third week.  In the meantime, check out the first episode below!  (Viewer discretion is advised!)  Oh, and if you have any zombie control problems, you know who to call—the name is Tony Mallone!

“Zombies in the wild are very dangerous. You have to show him that you’re the leader of the pack.” ~ Tony Mallone

Starring Matt Fowler, Lacy Hornick, and Kyle Duncan Graham, Series Narration by Justin Rupple, Directed by Matt Fowler, Assistant Director Megan Powers, Director of Photography Gennaro Desposito, Editor Gennaro Desposito, Production Sound Mixer Chris Ehling, Camera Operators Gennaro Desposito and Megan Powers, Special Effects by Kelsey Boutte and FXtive Creations, Produced by Kelsey, Boutte, Gennaro Desposito, and Matt Fowler, Production Assistants Chris Ehling and Melissa Newman, Produced for Apocolypse T.V. by Brooklyn West Productions,  With special thanks to Sal’s Hot Dogs and Squirrel Wrangling by Kimberly Desposito

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS

As Grave Encounters begins, a TV producer is being interviewed about a program that’s about to air.  He’s speaking very seriously, letting us know that, despite our doubts, this is the real deal, exactly as it was found, with nothing edited—except what was necessary for time constraints.  The program is episode 6 of a paranormal investigation show called, you guessed it, Grave Encounters.  The show stars Lance Preston—a slick, smooth-talking host, concerned more with the quality of his looks than the show.  He’s the type of guy who could sell a car as easily as host a show.

Lance (Sean Rogerson) is accompanied by three other pseudo-researchers—a camerawoman, Sasha (Ashleigh Gryzko), a cameraman T.C. (Merwin Mordesir), and a technical equipment manager, Matt (Juan Riedinger).  They’re all half-heartedly into the production, and, like Lance, seem more interested in hamming it up for the camera than finding ghosts.  Yes, it’s a team of paranormal researchers who don’t expect to find what they’re looking for; they don’t even believe in ghosts.  They just want the money that comes from producing such sensational shows.  Imagine that!  Already, we have the makings of a most realistic reality show.

Episode 6 begins with a slick, stylized opening, cutting to a sidewalk scene as unprofessional as it gets.  Lance Preson, without haste, sets the foundation for the evening’s events—a night locked in the Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital, reputed to be haunted!  Yes, you read that right—locked in a haunted hospital!  “Stupid!” you say?  Wait just a minute.  This is sensational, it’s about money, and these researchers don’t believe in ghosts anyway.

Collingwood Hospital, as we learn from the local historian, was built in 1885 and closed in 1963.  In 1948, it was the scene of a grisly murder; Arthur Friedkin, the head physician and resident lobotomist, was stabbed to death by several escaped patients.  This, along with the usual legends of atrocities, makes Collingwood Hospital the stereotypic, if not obligatory setting for episode 6.

To stress the money-minded priority to trump up terror, Lance bribes a newly-employed gardener into making up a ghost story.  There’s even the typical time-lapse scene of dark clouds rolling by, as darkness falls.  We’ve seen it in a thousand times in other movies, and Lance does it for exactly that reason.  He’s a cliché himself, willing to do anything that works.  Even without ghosts, Lance says “We just wanna make sure we can get some good scares.”

Next, in true reality TV style, we have the arrival of Houston Grey—the Grave Encounters psychic medium, there to verify and validate what could otherwise be ridiculous.  Houston is the typical but effective overwrought character whose cheesy appearance and comments are almost expected.  In sunglasses and dressed in black, he’s a caricature of himself, and he knows it.  As soon as he enters, he senses “a dark spirit or demon that you shouldn’t be messing with…at all!”  Oh what irony there is in his theatrics!

Grave Encounters makes an academic distinction between “residual hauntings” and “intelligent hauntings.”  A residual haunting is, so they say, “like an echo from the past, continuing to loop over and over again.”  An intelligent haunting is “a spirit that interacts and has intention,” even, as reported, causing people to be pushed, scratched, or thrown.  Further, we have the dreaded “full spectral apprarition.”  This is a ghost that appears in full, visible form!  Of course, we can only wonder which of these ghost combos may haunt Collingwood Hospital (wink, wink).

I admit that I began evaluating Grave Encounters on the basis of what I expected from a ghost-hunting mockumentary.  I expected ghosts that cause the occasional opening door, the sometimes out of place item, sudden cold spot, or noise in the night—the type of subtle scares that are slight to moderate, but always effective.  I expected what real ghost-hunting reality shows often find (or produce).  Was I ever wrong?  Yes!  Grave Encounters has the kind of ghosts that dish out what I call “hard haunting.”  (Yes, I coined a new term there!)  They are physical manifestations of intangible entities, ready and willing to kick the butts of all who dare to doubt.  They also take their sweet supernatural time doing it.  Just when we think this movie might be a subtle snoozer, the haunting kicks into high gear and never slows down.  Yes, there’s hardly time to hyperventilate between one demonic deed and the next!

As for exactly what happens inside the hospital, I’ll leave that for you to discover.  Don’t worry; there’s still plenty to see.  Or, maybe I should advise you to actually worry about that.   I’ll only say that there’s a whole host of horrors as original as any I’ve seen anywhere.  There’s a tongueless demon that, with the right exposure and screen time, could have been a new cult classic.  There’s also a “demon girl” whose credit name is far too generic for her originality.  She’s actually the scariest of ghosts you could see, if ghosts really ever look like her.    Yes, the types of ghosts you see in Collingwood Hospital are the types you don’t live to tell tales about!

Found footage films, in general, have the burden of making us think they are real.  Those about ghosts and other frightful things have the added burden of truly scaring us.  Their success or failure can be all about this and little more.  So, the obvious question is simple:  Is Grave Encounters real enough, and is it really scary?  My answer to both is like a “residual haunting.”  Yes, yes, yes, and yes again!   Its effect is “like an echo from the past, continuing to loop over and over again.”  “What criteria or rubric do you use to gauge the fear factor?” you may say.  I use the simplest of measuring methods—my gut reaction to what I see at the moment, as well as what I feel afterwards, when I should have forgotten most of it.  More than once during and after Grave Encounters, I second guessed the safety of the darkness around me.  I even, at least once, wondered whether the darkness may have actually moved, even when my common sense told me otherwise.  No.  It didn’t scare me to death.  I didn’t have nightmares, and it didn’t make me permanently dysfunctional, giving me some phobia that few can pronounce.  No movie could do that to me, so it’s not criteria for ratings.  However, I did look over my shoulder, at least a few times, to double-check a “residual haunting” from Grave Encounters.  So, for me, the movie passed the most important litmus test for found-footage ghost tales.  It scared me!

Grave Encounters avoids mistakes many movies make by, as I mentioned earlier, locking the group in the hospital, at their request.  It’s all done to add thrills, boost ratings, and yes, make more money.  They can’t get out, even if they want to; since they don’t believe in ghosts anyway, they can’t imagine they’d ever need to get out.  Even when the spirits are pissed, these paranormal pros are first looking for the pranksters, rather than looking for the money shot (or looking for a way to break the door down and get the #^% out).  The demons also do their part to keep the crew looking smart, while keeping them in danger at the same time.  (You’ll see what I mean.)  Many movies make the characters pass up an opportunity for escape, making them look stupid; this movie doesn’t.  In one scene, Sasha's response to Lance's bone-headed plan is possibly the smartest words ever uttered from a horror victim's mouth.  For keeping the characters smart, Grave Encounters gets a well-deserved extra rocket.

As for original aspects, the one that stands out most is an odd but very effective temporal anomaly upon which I won’t spend further time (pun intended).  I’ll only say that, as a coincidence (or so I think), this is oddly the longest review I’ve ever written.  Will it ever end?  What time is it?  Wasn’t it that time 8 hours ago!

As for acting, it’s excellent!  All actors do a professional job of making their characters seem as real as we’d expect ourselves to be in the same situation.  They all have distinct, overconfident personalities that they play well; they also show the necessary and believable breakdown of character we expect from people getting a paranormal ass-kicking.

“What about the gore?” you say.  It’s here, there, and everywhere!  Once you get used to the “full spectral apparitions,” you should have no problem with any of it.  For what is happening, it’s not overdone or underdone; there’s just the right amount of blood in the bloodbath, just the right amount being vomited, and just the right amount running from whatever places blood needs to run.  There’s even an animal killing scene that’s real enough to make you look for the “no animals were harmed during the making of this motion picture” disclaimer at the end, just to be sure.

The cinematography is of the frenetic, shaky-cam type—the clichéd but necessary trademark of found-footage films, like it or not.  Whereas this effect normally annoys me, I require it in these supposedly homemade films.  After all, it’s become a fact that people making such movies don’t know how to hold a camera without shaking it.  Try holding one while being chased by a ghost, and you’ve got a real excuse!  There’s also good use of the green, night-vision filming now available on most consumer-level cameras.  The greenish color alone is enough to make even the most benign of places look haunted.  I’d remove a rocket, if such a movie didn’t go green at least once or twice.

“What about the running time?”  I’m asking that question myself, since you probably won’t.  It could be just right, too much, not enough, or maybe not at all!  Therein again lies one of the most original things about Grave Encounters that may be even creepier than the ghosts!  Even though I’ve mentioned it before, it bears repeating for reasons I’ll leave unexplained again.  Don’t worry!  If you watch the movie, you’ll have plenty of time to think about it…or will you?  Or did you already?

Is Grave Encounters a perfect movie?  No.  It’s not perfect, but that’s never what I expect movies to be.  Is it close to perfect?  No.  But, that’s also not what I expect most movies to be.  Is it enough of everything it needs to be to do the job it sets out to do, while, at the same time, satisfying the average fan of such movies?  Again, like a residual haunting, I say “Yes, yes, yes!”  Grave Encounters is a kick-ass thrill ride, from beginning to end, with some of the most pulse-pounding premonitions this side of the solar system!

If you decide to watch Grave Encounters, don’t expect anything in particular.  Leave your preconceived notions about ghost-hunting reality shows at the steps of the haunted asylum you plan to enter.  Whether or not you think it passes the scare test on film, you’ll have to agree that you’d evacuate your bowels on the spot, if any such things ever happened to you.  Imagine, for a moment, that you aren’t in the safety of your home, on your couch, with your dog, or whatever makes you feel detached from danger.  Imagine, instead, that you are, like these sorry souls, in a haunted asylum with full spectral apparitions galore!  Imagine that these demons are ready to make you bleed, scream, and die in the worst of ways.  If you can be so humble, honest, and insecure, even for a moment, you might just find Grave Encounters making you more of the vulnerable little human you really are!   Sitting on your couch, you might even enjoy it!